Kristen Strong on Desperate Woman Seeks Friends- Real Talk About Connection, Rejection, and Trying Again
In this podcast, we are privileged to engage in a timely discussion on the significance of friendship, particularly as articulated by our esteemed guest, Kristen Strong, in relation to her new book, "Desperate Woman Seeks Friends." With an emphasis on the realities and complexities of forging connections amidst the ups and downs of life, Kristen shares the essential nature of friendship, especially for those navigating the challenges of missionary and military life which require frequent relocations. Through her candid reflections, she underscores the necessity of reciprocity in relationships, advocating for proactive engagement rather than passive expectation. Kristen's insights extend beyond mere companionship, exploring the emotional sustenance that friendships provide, which is particularly pertinent for parents seeking to model these values for their children. Ultimately, this conversation serves as a clarion call to recognize the indispensable role of friendship in fostering resilience and emotional well-being in our lives.
Takeaways:
- The podcast discusses the profound significance of friendship and its impact on mental health, particularly in challenging circumstances like missionary and military life.
- Kristen Strong emphasizes that friendship is not merely about seeking companionship but about mutual engagement and vulnerability in relationships.
- Listeners are encouraged to recognize the intentional effort required to foster deep friendships, which often takes hundreds of hours of shared experiences.
- The episode underscores that navigating loneliness and building friendships is a universal challenge, affecting many individuals across various life stages.
Transcript
Hey there, and welcome back to the Clarity Podcast.
Speaker A:This podcast is all about providing clarity and life and mission.
Speaker A:My name is Aaron Sandemier, and I'm going to be your host.
Speaker A:Today we have the phenomenal opportunity to have with us on the podcast Kristen Strong.
Speaker A:And we get to sit down and talk about her new book that's coming out, Desperate Woman Seeks Friends.
Speaker A:Just the realities and the importance of friendship.
Speaker A:And.
Speaker A:And so Kristen's got to travel the world.
Speaker A:Her husband was in the military.
Speaker A:She'll share a little bit about that and just the realities of going different places and wanting to make friends and what that looks like when you're on the move and you're moving and how do you stay engaged when you're on home assignment and then in a different country, in a different place.
Speaker A:And just the importance.
Speaker A:I really appreciate it.
Speaker A:She shares with transparency and vulnerability about the importance of friendship and also how we cannot be the needy person.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:How can we be a friend?
Speaker A:And friends go both ways.
Speaker A:And, you know, I had a sitting down last week with my friend Sean, and we were talking over breakfast, and I think that he pointed out, you know, in the world today, I think people want somebody that they can call, but they don't necessarily want that reciprocal relationship with a friend.
Speaker A:And that's what Kirsten outlines this idea that friendship is something that we're both engaged with.
Speaker A:And yeah, just also, I really appreciated her sharing about how we can, as parents, model friendship and help our kids navigate friendship.
Speaker A:You know, I went through, through a lot of school, and I've never had a class on how to make good friends.
Speaker A:You know, how to be a good friend.
Speaker A:You know, we get some indirect messages and people might share for, you know, 10 seconds or 20 little snippets here and there, but a lot of it, we learn on our own.
Speaker A:And I really appreciated Kristen just engaging this conversation being an encouragement for us.
Speaker A:And really, when I, when I saw it, thought it would be a great, great episode for us, specifically for missionaries and global workers who listen in because, you know, it's, it's, it's part of our life.
Speaker A:Do ask you to continue to send your questions for Back Channel with foethat.
Speaker A:That's where we get to sit down with ikvoth and get to learn from him.
Speaker A:Also ask you to subscribe to the podcast.
Speaker A:I'm thankful for those, many of you who've listened in over the years, and the podcast continues to grow, and I'm grateful and thankful for it.
Speaker A:Well, there's no time better than now to get started.
Speaker A:So here we go.
Speaker A:Greetings and welcome back to the Clarity podcast.
Speaker A:So excited to be here today with a new friend of the podcast, Kirsten.
Speaker A:Welcome to the podcast.
Speaker B:Thank you, Aaron.
Speaker B:Thank you so much for having me.
Speaker A:It's great to have you on today.
Speaker A:As the audience hears, frequently I get to read about people, get to read the writings and do a little bit of investigation ahead of time.
Speaker A:But for those who didn't get that opportunity, will you go ahead and share a little bit about yourself and before I start asking you a bunch of questions?
Speaker B:Oh, you bet.
Speaker B:Well, my name is Kristen Strong.
Speaker B:I'm a writer, a mom, a wife to a U.S.
Speaker B:air Force veteran.
Speaker B:We did the, I got married and we did the military life for about 20 years of my life.
Speaker B:My husband was in 26 years total.
Speaker B:But yeah, but now we, we've settled for a number of years now in Colorado Springs, Colorado.
Speaker B:My husband works on the civilian side of the fence at the Air Force Academy.
Speaker B:But yeah, so we, we were, we were, you know, very transient and now we are not.
Speaker B:And it's, it's kind of a nice change, for sure.
Speaker A:For sure.
Speaker A:Well, I'm looking forward to the conversation today.
Speaker A:This idea and concept of friendship and the wisdom you'll it because you've traveled, you've transitioned, you understand the, the intricacies of that and just the importance of battling loneliness.
Speaker A:So first question I got for you is so you've chosen to write about friendship and loneliness.
Speaker A:Where did this begin?
Speaker A:I mean, of things to, to write about.
Speaker A:Where's the genesis of your heart and passion for friendship and loneliness and.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:And how this is a military wife, how that has shaped some of your perspective.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:Well, I'd say it started just probably the stark contrast between my growing up years and my adult years.
Speaker B:I grew up, I grew up in Osage County, Oklahoma, and I grew up on O'Neal Lane.
Speaker B:And so my maiden name was O'Neill.
Speaker B:And everybody's, pretty much everybody's name on O'Neill Lane was O'Neill.
Speaker B:So hence the name.
Speaker B:But all that to say that I grew up in a very, you know, expansive, expansive family, you know, extended family, deep roots and all of that.
Speaker B:So when I went to college only an hour away, I had a lot of friends and even family members go to the same college, Oklahoma State.
Speaker B:Go Cowboys.
Speaker B:But anyway, then there I met my husband or my, you know, he was in my boyfriend, but he was, he had been on the enlisted side of the fence, but was transitioning through ROTC program at Oklahoma State to Be on the officer side of things.
Speaker B:And so we met, we fell in love, we decided to get married.
Speaker B:That introduced quite, you know, the different lifestyle of.
Speaker B:Instead of, you know, knowing everybody, I went to, from Oklahoma to Ohio, where I knew nobody and.
Speaker B:And really figured out that I hadn't a clue as to how to make friends.
Speaker B:You know, they had just kind of always been there, you know, by and large anyway.
Speaker B:So I would say that is even before.
Speaker B:I mean, I wrote as a child a lot, but I'd kind of, you know, just other than, you know, a college paper there, I'd kind of not done much writing.
Speaker B:But I feel like that's what the Lord was using to prepare me, just that experience.
Speaker B:And so why I write on the topic of friendship, loneliness, because I'm intimately acquainted with that learning curve that it requires that I don't think we always think it is.
Speaker B:Friendship is something that is like an art or a skill.
Speaker B:It really is.
Speaker B:You know, we're not all.
Speaker B:We're not born with that.
Speaker B:We just have to practice it.
Speaker B:So anyway, I had a lot to learn in the area, for sure.
Speaker A:And I think that resonates with me.
Speaker A:I think you go overseas and you travel, it can be easy just to withdraw and not have friendships because you might know, hey, I'm moving in a few years.
Speaker A:I don't want to necessarily invest in friendships because I got to say my goodbyes and go through this process.
Speaker A:So how have friendships impacted you because you've moved from different place to different place and so how your friendships impacted you and some reasons that you believe that friendship is valuable and worth the effort and time it takes to develop those friendships?
Speaker B:Yeah, well, I'd say I don't know that I would be here if I didn't have.
Speaker B:If I don't know if I'd be in the.
Speaker B:In the.
Speaker B:The.
Speaker B:The mental.
Speaker B:The healthy mental place I am without my friends.
Speaker B:And that's not to say, you know, certainly, you know, really, we're never alone in our loneliness.
Speaker B:God is always with us.
Speaker B:But God uses people and speaks through people to, you know, to.
Speaker B:To.
Speaker B:To help us along the way.
Speaker B:And I, I don't think you can get to be my age.
Speaker B:I'm 50.
Speaker B:I.
Speaker B:You can get to be 50 and not have.
Speaker B:And not get there and be in a healthy place without friendships to just help you along the way.
Speaker B:And I, I would say in my life they have just been instrumental.
Speaker B:You know, whether it was something, you know, parenting even, like even, you know, marriage is hard too.
Speaker B:Extended family relationships can be Hard and just having.
Speaker B:Because, and if, if I'm just processing all the things with only one person, like only my husband or only my sister, you know, like, that's a lot to put on them.
Speaker B:Like, we kind of need a couple of people to be able to, to share with.
Speaker B:So.
Speaker B:So I would say, you know, having that is what helps me be able to just function and, and be able to just bring my best self to each of those folks when there's a little bit to spread around, you know.
Speaker A:Sure.
Speaker A:So your husband was in.
Speaker A:When you all traveled, did you engage?
Speaker A:Did what do.
Speaker A:Were you involved in the military when he wouldn't was or how.
Speaker A:What was your place when you traveled and you lived in different places?
Speaker B:Yeah, I was a spouse, a support, certainly, but no, I was, I've never been active duty.
Speaker B:I, I cheer them on, but I, I don't.
Speaker B:I, you know, that wasn't my particular calling to be active duty, but, you.
Speaker A:Know, but for sure.
Speaker A:So what are some unique challenges of being the spouse in a support role?
Speaker A:Your, Your husband, whether that husband or wife, it doesn' Then the gender doesn't make a difference.
Speaker A:But of the one that's going for, you know, engagement, he was going for the military.
Speaker A:And you didn't have that opportunity to go there for employment, but you were there as a support role.
Speaker A:Were there some challenges with that?
Speaker B:Well, you know, I would say so.
Speaker B:I would say probably some similar challenges to missionary spouses as well, in terms of, you know, it is a family that signs up.
Speaker B:You know, I mean, that's what we'd like to say when a service member signs up, the whole family kind of is enlisted as well.
Speaker B:But I would also say that we're, you know, our, our fighting forces are that much stronger when the families behind them are stronger.
Speaker B:So I always consider that a very important role.
Speaker B:You know, I like to think, you know, we're.
Speaker B:My husband's retired now from active duty, but I still look at military spouses.
Speaker B:Yeah, Male, female, as being the heroes at home, heroes behind the scenes, you know, in their, in their own way.
Speaker B:So I do believe they have a very important role because they do they such influence and you know, power to build up those service members as well, but also like it just that lifestyle, it had it, you know, it had its hard things for sure, but it did give me a real power to see the value of friends as family, you know, when you don't have, I mean, gosh, military spouses often are wearing so many hats, you know, not just mom or dad, but the other mom or dad or, you know, grandma and aunt, uncle, whatever, but, but I feel like the, the way that we rally together, we kind of, and I hope, you know, I don't know for sure, but I'd love to think it's the same for missionary families like you just do.
Speaker B:You need each other, and so you kind of skip the small talk and get right to the heart of things.
Speaker B:And that's really, that's really a blessing because that's how you get the deep friendships are, you know, the vulnerable component.
Speaker B:So when you can get there faster, that's, you know, all the better.
Speaker A:For sure.
Speaker A:For sure.
Speaker A:And so what are some reasons you mentioned?
Speaker A:You know, we're not necessarily taught how to make friends.
Speaker A:Maybe our parents give us some ideas, and I'm going to ask you some questions on that as a parent, on helping our kids navigate friendships.
Speaker A:But it's not necessarily something they teach us in school.
Speaker A:There's not a class, I've never had a class on making friends.
Speaker A:But, you know, as you said, a lot of times you grow up in a neighborhood, you go to school, and those friends are kind of inherent in that process.
Speaker A:But what are some reasons making friends as an adult can be challenging?
Speaker A:Challenging just for, just for, yeah.
Speaker A:For anyone.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:Well, I would say to me, I believe the older we get, the harder it is because it takes more work.
Speaker B:We're not, we're not buttoned up against necessarily a lot as many people as, for example, I did when my kids were younger and, you know, those kids came with parents.
Speaker B:And so then I could, you know, possibly make a connection with one of them.
Speaker B:The older you are, the more work and intentionality it takes.
Speaker B:So therefore, the hard, harder it is because you got to keep putting yourself out there, crossing paths with people who, just with people.
Speaker B:I mean, I think back when I was first married, I really, you know, I, I just expected friends, I guess, to drop on my doorstep, you know, like Harry Potter, just to apparate or something.
Speaker B:And that is not real life.
Speaker B:I, I, I didn't realize that I had to actually put forth the effort to put myself in front of people or, you know, if I met somebody might make a, a good friend to invite them to my house or something like that.
Speaker B:Like, that didn't occur to me until just you know, a little while into it.
Speaker B:So, so I, I think that's why it's chiefly hard, is because it takes intentional work and also families, in many ways, especially here in the west, we're real busy and, you know, research Shows that families today are spending twice as much time with their children as families in the past.
Speaker B:And.
Speaker A:Interesting.
Speaker B:You know what?
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:While that's not inher thing, in many ways, it's just like, you know, we're also running them to more activities, and that just leaves less time for friends.
Speaker B:And I think it's real easy to.
Speaker B:To know, okay, we need to be intentional in our relationships with our families, our spouses, our, you know, perhaps our parents.
Speaker B:But friendship is one of those, like, we just back burner it.
Speaker B:You know, we'll get to it eventually.
Speaker B:And so again, the.
Speaker B:The intentional aspect is where that has to come into play.
Speaker B:So that are putting in that time and effort for sure.
Speaker A:And so maybe somebody's listening in and they, you know, they thought maybe they were the only one that's ever struggled making friends and making friends maybe later in life or early in life.
Speaker A:How would you encourage them that.
Speaker A:Because I think sometimes the enemy makes us feel like we're the only one that struggles with something or is unique to us, and we get discouraged.
Speaker A:We get down and frustrated.
Speaker A:What encouragement would you offer to somebody that's saying, you know, I struggle with making friends, and I think I'm the only one?
Speaker A:One?
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:Well, I would say you're.
Speaker B:You're definitely not the only one.
Speaker B:Most, if not all of us have struggled to make friends.
Speaker B:I've talked to so many people, and that is the resounding story is that, you know, people just are.
Speaker B:We're in a loneliness crisis right now.
Speaker B:Like, that's at least in the United States anyway.
Speaker B:That's.
Speaker B:That was proven by the.
Speaker B:The.
Speaker B: In like: Speaker B:The government then.
Speaker B:But.
Speaker B:But anyway, I would, you know, I would say that the reason also that we are where we are is because, like, I was talking a little bit earlier in my research as well, it takes two to 300 hours of time spent with a friend to make that a close friend.
Speaker B:Like a casual friend is like 50 hours.
Speaker B:So.
Speaker B:But 2 to 300 hours for a good friend.
Speaker B:So.
Speaker B:So, you know, a lot of people are feeling lonely because not everybody in these is getting that time in.
Speaker B:And I would just say also too, like, really think about, you know, am I kind of wiling away the hours here and there or minutes.
Speaker B:Probably not hours, but minutes here and there on, you know, social media and kind of getting my little breadcrumbs a connection that way, as opposed to getting out and about and meeting people face to face.
Speaker B:But that has also, you know, been a factor in contributing to people's Loneliness.
Speaker B:But yeah, it is definitely something more of us experience than then don't experience.
Speaker A:Sure.
Speaker A:And.
Speaker A:And I would, you know, I think the other thing is when you're married, sometimes making friends, you know, one spouse might like, you know, there might be a connection between spouse, you know, the male and male or the female and female.
Speaker A:But sometimes then that doesn't translate for the couples, you know, and that can be some challenges.
Speaker A:I'm sure there's some unique challenges for those who serve solo or go overseas in those contexts.
Speaker A:In a solo environment, I'm sure there's challenges that they face that, you know, I don't yet know about just because I've served in that, that context.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker A:And someone may be listening into this.
Speaker A:You know, missionaries and we, we experience life transitions on the constant.
Speaker A:And so what are some practical things someone can do to navigate transition in friendship?
Speaker B:Well, I like to say, you know, three things really.
Speaker B:Pray up, open up, and show up.
Speaker B:So first of all, you know, nothing, you know, praying is just really the best thing you can do because if Jesus, Jesus, who is a perfect human, walked this earth with friends, which he did, then it is a very good idea for us to do the same.
Speaker B:But more than that, it's God's will for us to do the same.
Speaker B:So praying for that to that end is always fruitful and always activates God's, you know, power there.
Speaker B:But also we, we have to participate in the process, you know, we can't just.
Speaker B:Which was kind of in the beginning, in the beginning of my married life, like, okay, sure, I'll pray about it and God, you'll figure it out.
Speaker B:Well, you know, he did, but I had to get out.
Speaker B:Like, I couldn't just sit at home, you know, I had to get out and about.
Speaker B:So I would say for the opening up component is opening up your home.
Speaker B:Because there's something about when you invite someone into your home, you invite them into see a little more of your heart too.
Speaker B:And so doing that, I, I would say all my.
Speaker B:I'm blessed to have great friendships today.
Speaker B:And they've all been invited into my home.
Speaker B:Not, not every person I've invited into my home has been a friend has good friend, but every good friend I have has been in my home.
Speaker B:Nobody cares about what it looks like.
Speaker B:They just are honored that you thought enough of them to invite them over.
Speaker B:So.
Speaker B:So I would say that is really key.
Speaker B:And I would say, like I talked about a little bit earlier, showing up, praying up, opening up, showing up, showing up where other people are thinking about what are your interests, you know, do you enjoy or what are, what are the community events around you that you think other people would be at?
Speaker B:I know if you're a missionary, there may be limited options, but you know, if, if you're able to be somewhere where there's you like, you like painting or you like taking a cooking class or, or you love to exercise, you know, where can you put yourself in the pathway better?
Speaker B:Certainly in church.
Speaker B:You know, ideally that's a great place to meet people, but where can you put yourself in the pathway of others and just know that it takes time and it takes persistence.
Speaker B:I always feel like, especially when I was moving around, but even after we'd settled in, Colorado Springs felt like it took a long time for me to make friends here.
Speaker B:It was like, it was, it was like, you know, you can get that idea of everybody has their people and they're not really interested in new people or in my, in my life.
Speaker B:Once they found, sometimes I had folks, they found out I was military, they were like, oh, you're not going to be here that long, so, you know, why bother?
Speaker B:But the thing is, you can develop great relationships still in, you know, 18 months, two years, three years time.
Speaker B:And so it's always worth it to keep trying again for the friends you need because the only way to ensure never having friends is to never try.
Speaker B:So.
Speaker B:And I've been blessed because, you know, some, like one time, my husband, he had to do this training when he was a captain and it's, it was like eight weeks long, but we made friends there that we, in eight weeks, that we still communicate with and enjoy today, we don't get to see each other hardly at all, but we really do have a good time to, you know, just when we are able to communicate.
Speaker B:And that's so, you know, you can grow deep roots in, you know, a short amount of time when the Lord's, you know, in, in that.
Speaker A:So for sure, you know, I think one of the decisions I had to make after a few years in was I kind of navigated the first few years of life and work as a missionary is, you know, like I, my life was in a pot.
Speaker A:And you mentioned, you know, putting, letting your roots out and growing, growing roots.
Speaker A:And so I kind of moved my life around like I was in a pot, never wanting to put down roots because I didn't want to have to dig them up and put, you know, and, and, and move it again.
Speaker A:But I think a big transition for me was to say, you know what, Wherever I'M at.
Speaker A:I'm gonna get myself out of the pot, put myself in the ground, and then when the time comes, you know, we can dig.
Speaker A:We can dig it up and put it in a pot and move it on the hope for that, that the roots were stronger, they were bigger, they were better in those times.
Speaker A:But, you know, if you just keep yourself in a pot, you know what my mom would say, it becomes root bound and then it, it doesn't help you in, in the growing and the growing and the maturing process.
Speaker A:So truly, truly important as we navigate life and with friends.
Speaker A:Importance of it.
Speaker A:So what are some, what have you learned about setting boundaries in friendship?
Speaker B:Well, I, I talk about that in my most recent book that's released in, in May.
Speaker B:And it.
Speaker B:I learned boundaries are our friends.
Speaker B:And our friends friends too, is the thing.
Speaker B:So, so, you know, we sometimes we're real good about knowing when we want boundaries, but not necessarily as good about recognizing other people's.
Speaker B:So part of my story is I, you know, I was, I was never really the mean girl.
Speaker B:Like, not that I just say I never did a mean thing, but I wasn't the, you know, habitual, chronic mean girl, but I was the needy girl six ways from Sunday.
Speaker B:And that's.
Speaker B:And, you know, both are acting out of insecurities.
Speaker B:Both are not a lot of fun for the person on the other end.
Speaker B:So, so I would, I had a lot to learn about boundaries because I didn't know that I didn't know again, in my kind of learning how to be a friend, you know, I would make one and then.
Speaker B:And just overwhelm them with too much, too much, you know.
Speaker B:You know, I was, I was where I didn't know anybody.
Speaker B:My husband was often off training or what have you, so it was just me.
Speaker B:And I didn't always, you know, just know how much to.
Speaker B:How much to put myself out there, but also how to kind of read the room as it was.
Speaker B:So, so boundaries are great though, because.
Speaker B:And boundaries, I feel like sometimes just need better pr.
Speaker B:I mean, we live in a world of boundaries, you know, and we like boundaries like that.
Speaker B:You know, in our, at least in our bathroom stalls in America, there's a dividing wall.
Speaker B:In the women's stalls, there's a dividing wall from one to the other anyway.
Speaker B:And I appreciate that.
Speaker B:So I, I appreciate that there's, you know, that, that there's rules for traffic.
Speaker B:You know, there are boundaries.
Speaker B:So, so that, so that is just a part of life and sort of learning to respect other people's and how other people's boundaries are not necessarily refle, it's just about their bandwidth.
Speaker B:So that's when I started thinking about that.
Speaker B:Like, okay, a boundary is because we all have down with, we all have time.
Speaker B:We have to give to our priority people, you know, people who may live under the same roof as us.
Speaker B:We have things that we have to get done.
Speaker B:And friends, you know, we, we really only have time for probably like if you're Talking about those 200 to 300 hour friendships, two to three, two to three of those, you know, maybe four that we can go real deep with.
Speaker B:But beyond that, you know, we have, you know, just limited bandwidth.
Speaker B:And if we fall out of somebody outside of somebody's bandwidth, that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with us.
Speaker B:It just means they've got to give their attention to what is most important.
Speaker B:And also, Jesus exercised boundaries on the regular.
Speaker B:You know, he did it, you know, he.
Speaker B:Well, even when he called his 12 disciples, you know, he was very intentional about, about who he chose.
Speaker B:He didn't just stand at the city gates and accept the first 12 people who showed interest.
Speaker B:You know, so boundaries are our friends.
Speaker B:And while we don't want to abuse them, we don't want to just say throw one up every, you know, anytime.
Speaker B:We don't want to be uncomfortable.
Speaker B:We also want to, want to be able to use them so that we keep out, you know, that maybe a behavior from somebody that's toxic or that's really, you know, damaging us and so that we can pivot our attention to a more healthy, healthy friendship.
Speaker B:Healthy relationship.
Speaker B:But yeah, boundaries are our friends and our friends friends.
Speaker A:Awesome.
Speaker A:You mentioned what does, what does burnout look like in friendship?
Speaker A:And are there any warning signs maybe that we should, we should be paying attention to maybe when.
Speaker A:Yeah, burnout and friendship.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker A:Look like.
Speaker A:And what are some warning signs?
Speaker B:Well, I'd say that's probably if you have a friend that is real needy, you know, it probably is.
Speaker B:You're getting some burnout from them because they're giving you a lot.
Speaker B:And I would say the thing to pay attention to is was this friend at one time reciprocating, you know, your gestures and that has stopped cold turkey or, or, you know, or not.
Speaker B:But then there's other factors involved, like maybe she's going through a real hard time and so she just can't give more to you because she's overwhelmed with grief or loss or whatever it it is.
Speaker B:So, you know, that would be something to pay attention to.
Speaker B:But if that's not the case and you kind of sense things are trucking along as normal, then I, I would say, you know, that would just warrant a conversation.
Speaker B:Well, maybe, maybe you just sort of reign it in a little bit and you say, okay, I'm going to just give her some time.
Speaker B:I'm going to give it a month before I maybe check in to see if she might need anything.
Speaker B:That, that could be the fact.
Speaker B:But sometimes friendships, you know, there's that expression, and I can't remember who said it, but it's an, you know, friends are in our lives for a reason or a season.
Speaker B:A reason, a season or a lifetime.
Speaker B:And sometimes, yeah, burnout could be the problem.
Speaker B:You know, you just gotta back off a little bit.
Speaker B:Or it could be, you know, this the time for that, the season for that friendship has ended.
Speaker A:Wow, that's a good word.
Speaker A:A good word.
Speaker A:And being able to recognize those seasons and not to take it personal and not to take it, you know, as a personal slight or something, I think can, can help us.
Speaker A:And so that kind of leads me to my next question for you.
Speaker A:Maybe someone listening in, they've had a painful experience when with a friend.
Speaker A:How do you bounce back from a painful experience like that and learn to want to make friends again, trust again, and not just withdraw and say, hey, it was painful.
Speaker A:I don't want to do that again.
Speaker A:And as you, as you share, you know, living the life of.
Speaker A:We don't want to live a life of loneliness.
Speaker A:So any wisdom for somebody that's experienced a painful experience with a friend, and how does one bounce back from that and learn to trust again and want to engage in friendship again?
Speaker B:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker B:You know, I am coming across more and more stories of these kind of.
Speaker B:I mean, sometimes a friendship will just end gradually, like what I just talked about, if the season for it is over.
Speaker B:But, you know, I've talked with some gals and really I've experienced this to a certain degree myself, where the friendship just ends dramatically.
Speaker B:Like, we were friends for a decade and then all of a sudden one person is like, we're not friends anymore.
Speaker B:That's it.
Speaker B:Don't contact me again.
Speaker B:Like it's this crazy, like, stark change.
Speaker B:And I know that is so hard.
Speaker B:Like rejection in any form is just not fun.
Speaker B:And certainly something like that because, you know, the closer the relationship, the more it meant to you, the more, the more hurtful that rejection is.
Speaker B:But, but my friend Selena told me something a long time ago that has been helpful to me for those moments, no matter the scale of the rejection.
Speaker B:And she's.
Speaker B:She said the rejection is God's protection against what's not in your best interest.
Speaker B:And as hard as it is to know in the moment, as hard as it is to.
Speaker B:To believe that, because all you can see is what you've lost and the hole that's in your heart now that that person's gone, there is something that, you know, God, God, who can see into the future, knows that that friendship, some way, somehow was.
Speaker B:Was not good for you or was going to cause pain on down the road.
Speaker B:So he stopped it then to save you from that pain later.
Speaker B:But, golly, I mean, there's just.
Speaker B:It's still so hard.
Speaker B:I mean, I say that with so much compassion because it's.
Speaker B:It's just so hard.
Speaker B:But I think, though, like, what I've had to do.
Speaker B:So when that happens to me, I have.
Speaker B:Have, like, just questions after question, you know, what did I do wrong?
Speaker B:What, you know, what didn't I do that I was supposed to do?
Speaker B:What's wrong with me?
Speaker B:All these things.
Speaker B:And I just try to remember to.
Speaker B:To pivot those questions that don't have any answers that I may not know until heaven to those you know, that do have answers, you know, so, you know, what is.
Speaker B:This says.
Speaker B:This is trying to.
Speaker B:This whole circumstance is trying to tell me something about myself that, you know, like.
Speaker B:And usually it's negative, negative, you know, that.
Speaker B:That internal critical voice, like, what's wrong with you?
Speaker B:Or you know, you know, what does this say about you, Kristen?
Speaker B:You must have been a bad friend.
Speaker B:And it's like, no, like, that isn't necessarily the case.
Speaker B:Again, I think it's often about the other person and it's not about us.
Speaker B:And so I pivot to those questions that do have answers.
Speaker B:So like from Romans 8, that says, instead of, you know, saying, you know, like, what did I do wrong here?
Speaker B:What is, you know, instead of listening to those lies, what is true about me?
Speaker B:And that is nothing in all of creation is going to separate me from the love of God.
Speaker B:So if I am his loving care, I am okay.
Speaker B:So finding those, you know, questions in scripture, I think is really great for, you know, that you can get sure answers from is a great way is really I.
Speaker B:For me, it's been the only way I could kind of make it through that time and maintain, you know, kind of a healthy sense of.
Speaker B:With peace.
Speaker A:Sure.
Speaker A:Because it is painful.
Speaker A:You know, you lose a friend and somebody specifically you've invested and you've lived life with, and, and so it can be painful.
Speaker A:And as you, Even if it isn't just a scene season that comes to an end, it could still be painful.
Speaker A:But if it.
Speaker A:For sure, it's a feeling of rejection, it can make you not necessarily want to trust again.
Speaker A:And if it's betrayal, you know, it makes it even, even deeper and it makes it even harder to want to trust again and want to go there again.
Speaker A:But, yeah, yeah, friendship is super, super important.
Speaker A:So you mentioned a little bit earlier about being a needy girl in a friendship.
Speaker A:What.
Speaker A:What does a needy girl look like?
Speaker A:And maybe a few, A few tips for someone struggling with this.
Speaker B:Yeah, well, I, I can say for me, it looked like, you know, I was just overwhelming my friend with communication and invites, you know, like she could barely give me an answer.
Speaker B:Answer to getting together on Monday when I was already asking her about Tuesday or, you know, somewhere around there.
Speaker B:Like, it was, it was, you know, just, just a lot.
Speaker B:It was, you know, answering.
Speaker B:Well, okay, texts weren't around when I was a new married person, so.
Speaker B:But, but, you know, it was, it was.
Speaker B:So for me at that point, it was, you know, calling her a lot and we were neighbors.
Speaker B:This one friend I write about in the book, her name's Julianne, we're still friends today.
Speaker B:So that's the good news.
Speaker B:You can be a needy friend.
Speaker B:You can learn from your ways and the friendship can stay.
Speaker B:They haven't all stayed, but that one sure did.
Speaker B:And I'm thankful for it.
Speaker B:But, but really, I would say just overwhelming with communication or doing multiple kinds of, you know, we're going to DM them on Instagram and then on Facebook and then we're going to text them and we're going to set them a snap.
Speaker B:And all the things, you know, like, like that's, that's probably overwhelming.
Speaker B:You communicate one time and then you give them a moment to answer and not try not to, you know, read into a slower response because it could mean something that's, you know, an emergency happened and they're having to deal with first things first and they'll get to you later.
Speaker B:And I think a lot of that is just, you know, telling our pride to sit down sometimes.
Speaker B:Like, you're going to be okay.
Speaker B:If this first friendship doesn't work out the way you'd like it to, then you're going to be okay still.
Speaker B:But I, I also read one of my favorite books in researching Desperate Woman Seeks Friends.
Speaker B:The book I wrote was written by Drew Hunter called Made for Friendship.
Speaker B:And so he talks about how, you know, friendship he has this great metaphor for friendship really is like, you know, like we're in traveling lanes on the interstate and the person really.
Speaker B:And as, as I interpret it, the person who is least committed to the friendship determines where the friendship is going.
Speaker B:You cannot, you may think of so and so as a great friend.
Speaker B:They may see you as a.
Speaker B:Just a casual friend.
Speaker A:Sure.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker B:Well, if you overwhelm him and start trying to make that person think, you know, he or she is a great friend, they're going to look for the exit.
Speaker B:So, so I think that imagery is really helpful in determining like, or thinking about.
Speaker B:About, you know, this idea of being the needy friend or, you know, on the opposite side even being that maybe the real laid back friend, like, you know, do I need to be doing a little bit more to invest in a friendship?
Speaker B:I think that idea helps that, you know, we don't want to send people looking for the exit.
Speaker A:Yeah, good word, good word.
Speaker A:So as a parent, you know, as we, I said earlier, you said earlier on, there's not, there's not a class.
Speaker A:It's not something we learn in school about, about navigating friendship and learning how to make friends.
Speaker A:I think we, we tell our kids, make the right friends.
Speaker A:And you know that.
Speaker A:But at the same time, what does that realistically look like?
Speaker A:So how are, how have you encouraged and coached your kids when it comes to navigating friendships?
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:Oh, gosh, that's, that's been a hard thing.
Speaker B:I wrote a chapter in the book, with my daughter's permission about her high school years, which we're just a lot of fertilizer, as we call it.
Speaker B:You know, and, and it's interesting, I think, also I, I guess my biggest tip for, for, for, for encouraging your kids to find good friendships is to pay attention to how they make you feel.
Speaker B:You know, I mean, we, when they're young, you don't.
Speaker B:You want to, you really want to train our kids up into choosing wise friendships.
Speaker B:You know, there's that whole idea of, you know, we become kind of a combination of the five people we hang out with most.
Speaker B:And so of course, course that's, you know, that's going to be family when the kids are young.
Speaker B:You know, a large part of that is family too.
Speaker B:So you certainly have valuable, valuable influence there.
Speaker B:But, but also, you know, if we're with a friend who is, you know, we are leaving them feeling a whole lot worse about ourselves than we were when we showed up with them.
Speaker B:I don't.
Speaker B:That is not a good friend.
Speaker B:They're they're saying something, they're doing something, they're interacting in a way that it's.
Speaker B:Is not kind and also just being, just being aware, you know, if, if, you know, your daughter was friends with somebody who is suddenly, you know, she's never talking about again.
Speaker B:Like, I always wanted to know what happened to so and so.
Speaker B:You know, I also, I mean, I didn't want, I, I always wanted to be mindful.
Speaker B:Like my children are not perfect.
Speaker B:You know, it's.
Speaker B:I, I didn't want, you know, I wanted, wanted them to include the right kinds of friends and be a light to the right kind of friends and, and, well, to be a lie to anybody really.
Speaker B:But, but also I, you know, I wanted to make sure they weren't being the ones that were being uglier.
Speaker B:Henri either, you know, so you, you.
Speaker B:It's both sides of the coins.
Speaker B:As much as I like to think my, you know, my darlings are.
Speaker B:And really as military kids, they were very good at seeing people who were on the fringes.
Speaker B:So I'm really proud of them for that.
Speaker B:That.
Speaker B:But they were, because they were on the fringes a lot, so they knew what it was to be, you know, how delightful that was to be welcomed in.
Speaker B:So.
Speaker B:But I, I would just say being aware of what's going on and really not preoccupied with, you know, all the other things that can so easily pull it.
Speaker B:A parent's attention, but just being aware, I would say, but also thinking about those questions like, you know, how are you, you know, are you feeling and, or, and are they coming into the house after spending time with that person and, you know, like amped up and happy and, and, you know, feeling like a little bit more like they've come alive or are they kind of withdrawn and sad or, you know, or, or are they talking kind of unkindly about somebody and just using the, using that information you're getting to foster conversations.
Speaker B:Because I, I mean, listen, I, I was not.
Speaker B:I, I know there's the gentle parenting thing now.
Speaker B:That wasn't really.
Speaker B:I'm Gen X.
Speaker B:That wasn't really how I did, how my husb.
Speaker B:Necessarily did things.
Speaker B:I'm a feeler, so I was always trying to be in tune to their feelings.
Speaker B:But, but my question, but, but my whole point, I should say, is just to be aware and to know that you're the parent and it's okay to ask the questions and get information from them and, and, and just be aware.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:And I think you mentioned the, the idea that, you know, in transition, you Know when you transition a lot, you said your kids know what it felt like to somewhat be on the outside.
Speaker A:And those can be challenging times as a parent to watch.
Speaker A:And then I would imagine it's even harder to being the kid or the student that is on the outside.
Speaker A:And so any encouraging words for parents as they watch maybe their kids be on the outside?
Speaker A:I thought it was valuable what you said, you know, your kids recognize those that were and encouraged your kids to reach out to those that were on the outside.
Speaker A:So any encouraging words to parents on both ways, right.
Speaker A:To how they.
Speaker A:Kids reach out to those that are on the outside and also when they're, when they are on the outside.
Speaker A:How do parents walk with their kids in those situations?
Speaker B:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker B:Oh, I know that that is so hard.
Speaker B:It is hard on a mama heart.
Speaker B:I would much rather be on the outside myself ten times over than watch my babies, you know, have to, have to walk that road.
Speaker B:But let me tell you, because all of mine have.
Speaker B:We lived before Colorado, we lived in Hawaii, which while Hawaii is paradise in many obvious ways, that they did one year in school there and in public school there, I should say, and that was a rough year.
Speaker B:And boy, you know, that was it.
Speaker B:God, it about tore me in half.
Speaker B:But anyway, my point being that the thing was, as much as I hated them having to walk through what they walked through, then I do believe it built up in them an ability, ability to see the other kids on the outside and an empathy for them and a heart to like, they just have no problem inviting somebody over to their table.
Speaker B:So I don't know if they would have had that ability if, if they had not experienced what it was like to be the one that was ostracized and bullied more so, so I, I know it's terrible to watch them go through, but I, you know, in God's hands, that is, you know, where the, the, the breaking is then where the growth and the fruit happens.
Speaker B:So that is definitely something that comes in that next step.
Speaker B:So I would say, you know, you know, listen to them.
Speaker B:Let, let home also.
Speaker B:There, there is there.
Speaker B:You cannot overestimate the value it is to have a house that is your kids safe place.
Speaker B:If, you know, if they're, if they're not hanging out a little lot with friends in the elementary, middle, even high school years, if they're not hanging out a lot with friends, I mean, again, they need friends.
Speaker B:And it, you know, ideally they've got at least a couple, one or two they can kind of count on to get together with here or there.
Speaker B:But by and large, if they're hanging out a lot at the house, that is your opportunity to even furthermore build the, that foundation of being their safe place that you want them to feel because they're going to eventually leave.
Speaker B:You know, at least that's the, you know, that's the thought anyway.
Speaker B:And, and, and you want them when they come home to be that place where they feel better about themselves when they're, you know, when they leave home than they did when they were there.
Speaker B:You know, they don't want to feel worse about themselves either.
Speaker B:They want you to be the encouraging person that loves on them.
Speaker B:And so that is the opportunity to just keep filling them up and keep pointing them to Christ.
Speaker B:Christ was very much on the outside.
Speaker B:He, he, he, you know, he had, he knows what it is to be betrayed.
Speaker B:I mean Judas walked with him and you know, was right smack dab next to him.
Speaker B:And yet he, you know, was a friend that betrayed him.
Speaker B:So he knows Jesus knows what it is to have difficult friendships or to have people not be kind with him to be on the outside of the, you know, the cool folks of the day.
Speaker B:And yet, you know, he is who we want to emulate.
Speaker B:So that's it.
Speaker B:Also the perfect opportunity, opportunity to point your children to Christ and say, listen, he gets it.
Speaker B:He gets where you are.
Speaker B:He walked through this.
Speaker B:He will see you through it as well.
Speaker B:And, and then again, you know, just, you will witness fruit in your children of, of just empathy and, and being the person who is a good friend to others.
Speaker A:Yeah, good word, good word.
Speaker A:You mentioned your book.
Speaker A:Where can title of the book again and where people can find it.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:So it's called Desperate woman seeks friends and, and just real quick, that comes in Dayton, Ohio the second time.
Speaker B: te I told my husband this was: Speaker B:I told him I was going to make a sign and stand in our yard, that I was going to put on the sign Desperate woman seeks friends and see and just hold it and see if I got any takers.
Speaker B:So that's where that, that title comes from.
Speaker B:But it's.
Speaker B:The subtitle is real talk about connection, rejection and trying again for the friends you need.
Speaker B:And it can be found anywhere you like to buy books.
Speaker B:Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Bookshop, wherever.
Speaker B:But also you can read about it at my website, which is my name, Kristen and that's K R I S T N Kristen Strong dot com.
Speaker A:Awesome.
Speaker A:Kristen, will you pray for us today.
Speaker B:Oh, sure.
Speaker B:Dear heavenly Father, thank you so much for just giving me this opportunity to meet a new friend in Aaron today and in his listeners.
Speaker B:Lord, I pray we're wherever they're tuning in from where at whatever places across your world, Lord, that you are blessing them and just keeping them.
Speaker B:Lord, I pray that you are bringing to them this week those who just feel that acute painful loneliness inside of them, Lord.
Speaker B:Lord, please cross their paths with somebody today who that who is who they believe would be a good friend, but also who wants to reciprocate that friendship, Lord, just bring that to their very eyeballs.
Speaker B:Bring it them into their hearts, into their homes and let something really flourish and grow there.
Speaker B:I and I pray, Lord, you are blessing them, their families, the beautiful work they're doing.
Speaker B:May they be encouraged and refreshed as only you can do, Lord.
Speaker B:And I just thank you for your son Jesus in his day.
Speaker B:We pray.
Speaker B:Amen.
Speaker A:Amen.
Speaker A:Amen.
