Stephen Blandino on Mastering the Soft Skills of Leadership

Aaron: 00:00:08

Hey there. Welcome back to the Clarity Podcast. This podcast is all about providing clarity, insight, encouragement for life and mission.

And my name is Aaron Santmyire

Aaron: 00:00:15

and I get to be your host. Today. We have the phenomenal opportunity to have with us back on the podcast pastor and author and podcaster Stephen Blandino.

And we get to sit down and learn from him on mastering the the soft skills of leadership. And so Stephen and I have a insightful conversation on self awareness and areas that we can grow.

He'll talk about being some blind spots, maybe some deaf spots and some dumb spots. The first time I'd heard somebody share it that way or describe it that way, but man, it made a ton of sense.

We talk about the idea of intimacy versus efficiency in a relationship with God and how focusing on efficiency can be detrimental in being a spiritual leader. And that's one thing I appreciate a lot of things about Stephen.

I really value that he takes leadership principles and he recognizes and he formulates and curates those for people that are leading in the spiritual space. And I really, really appreciate and people that will be spiritual leaders really appreciate Stephen. And we have conversations on active listening.

He shares about the importance of active listening and how we can be curious and engaging and not just looking to solve problems, which can be some of my bent and challenge, specifically when I'm tired. We have other convers about interpersonal communication. And then he shares some ideas how we can move through and past conflict.

Just some very practical points I think that will help us as we look at these soft skills of leadership and the importance that we place on those. And not just focusing on the vision and the strategy, which is also very, very important.

But how can we walk in and be people that are spiritual leaders and can walk and use soft skills to lead? Do want to ask you to continue to send in your questions for Backchannel with Foeth.

That's where we get to sit down with Dick Foth and get to learn from him and then ask you to continue to subscribe to the podcast. I know the podcasts I subscribe to are the ones I listen to. They show up on my phone on Tuesday morning.

Well, there's no time better than now to get started, so here we go. Greetings and welcome back to the Clarity Podcast. So excited to have our friend of the podcast, Stephen Blandino, with us back today.

Stephen, welcome back.

Stephen Blandino: 00:02:34

Aaron, great to be with you again. Thanks so much for the invite.

Aaron: 00:02:37

Yeah, you definitely have the award for being on the podcast, the most. So it's always an honor and pleasure to have have you on and learn from you and the audience loves you.

So Stephen, thanks for being with us again today.

Stephen Blandino: 00:02:50

Well, thank you. You're, you're very kind and it's always good to be with you.

Aaron: 00:02:53

Stephen, we're going to go ahead and jump into your, your writings on mastering the soft skills of leadership and got to read through that. Just found it fascinating and something I think that we can all grow in. So I'm going to start peppering you with questions.

But before that, will you share a little bit about yourself and then share about one of the new projects you're working on?

Stephen Blandino: 00:03:13

Yeah. So you know, pastor A church in Fort Worth, Texas, Seven City Church planted it 12 years ago. Hard to believe and going well.

We're having a really good year. Very grateful for that. And then also do some writing for Influence magazine.

And I know that's where today's interview do is is focused around one of those lessons and, and then do some writing as well like books and things of that nature.

first of the new year January: 2025

So and married have my wife Karen is a professional counselor. We've got a daughter, son in law and two grandsons which are awesome. So yeah, life is good.

Aaron: 00:04:12

Awesome. Awesome. Well, we're going to have you back on the podcast for, for the new book and look forward to that interview and learning from you once again.

So Stephen, I'm going to jump in. Self awareness. What are a few of the areas leaders need to focus on when they want to grow in self awareness?

Stephen Blandino: 00:04:30

Well, self awareness is basically being aware of who you are as well as aware of how you impact others. So you know, if you want to drill down on that, it's being aware of who you are.

So that's going to be your strengths, your weaknesses, your attitudes, your, your feelings, your moods, like all of that and then how all of that impacts other people. Some people are really aware of how they're wired, but they're not aware of, of maybe their interactions with others.

And so, you know, Scott Wilson always says you got to be aware of your blind spots, deaf spots and dumb spots. And you know, your, your blind spots are those things you just can't see.

Your deaf spots are how you come across to others, but you can't hear how you come across to others because you're not on the other side of you. And then the dumb spots are just things you don't have knowledge in and. Or expertise in. Right. And. And here's the thing. We all have all three.

We've all got blind spots, we've all got deaf spots, we've all got dumb spots. And it's becoming aware of those and again, how they impact others.

Aaron: 00:05:36

Well, I've never heard the blind spots, deaf spots, and dumb spots. And I think that's why I was chuckling, because I was thinking, as you were saying, that I do have all.

Stephen Blandino: 00:05:46

Three of those and we all do.

Aaron: 00:05:49

I think the other. When you talked about the deaf spots, those, those can be challenging because you think you're communicating a certain way.

Stephen Blandino: 00:05:56

Yeah.

Aaron: 00:05:57

Any. Any more thoughts on that one, Stephen?

Stephen Blandino: 00:05:59

Yeah, I think that's probably the one that is easiest to overlook. And I remember when I heard. Heard that for the first time, I thought, oh, my goodness. Because I know I failed that test.

And, you know, it's just recognizing that when we're talking with other people, we have a certain tone that we speak in. We have a certain emphasis that we put on, on various words or ideas or thoughts.

And sometimes if we're really passionate, our passion can come across almost like anger or it can. It can come across really strong, maybe even offensive.

And so it's just this recognizing that how I come across to others, you know, empathy and, and kindness and compassion and listening and things like that is really a huge part of it. So part of it's your tone. Part of it is also just you're engaging that other person in conversation and showing that you genuinely care.

Aaron: 00:06:58

Yeah. And I think that's, that's me.

Sometimes my passion, it's not an excuse and it's something I need to grow in, but at the same time, my passion sometimes can come off with a. With the serious face, like, I'm mad. I'm not mad. I'm just, you know, I'm just passionate, excited about it.

Stephen Blandino: 00:07:12

So anyway, yeah, yeah, I, I struggle because I, I don't, you know, I can be smiling inside, but it doesn't ever show up on my face. You know what I'm saying? And so it's just. I. I totally get it.

Aaron: 00:07:24

Good deal. Well, you had mentioned empathy there as we were talking about self awareness. So how do you define empathy and empathy powered by energy?

You kind of highlighted that. So how do you define empathy? And then what does empathy powered by energy look like?

Stephen Blandino: 00:07:40

Yeah, I think of empathy as feeling what others feel.

Like you can notice what People are going through, but when you can take it one step further and actually feel what they feel, it kind of changes things. It's not just knowledge now. There's emotion involved.

And you know, Mark Miller, who's written some, some great books, he, he says this, he says empathy is a skill powered by energy. And if there's no energy, there's no empathy. So think about that.

In our culture, like we live in an endlessly distracted culture, and it's really easy for those distractions to drain our energy. And, you know, it's not uncommon to have to lead through a crisis. And a crisis definitely drains your energy. Yeah.

And so when, when a crisis situation is draining your energy, it's hard to put, to cultivate more energy to foster toward the people in the relationships in our lives. And that, that's. And yet empathy requires that.

It requires energy to listen, it requires energy to engage, it requires energy to say, I'm not going to get distracted by what, what the situation is demanding of me right now to the point where I'm not even paying attention to the people around me.

Aaron: 00:09:00

Yeah.

Stephen Blandino: 00:09:01

So, you know, you need to be empathetic toward people in those environments. And again, that, that just requires energy. So a lot of times I'll say this, like there's.

When it comes to empathy, there's, and I talked about this in the article, like there's four, four different angles you can think about empathy from. There's the, the eyes of empathy, and that's, that's awareness.

It's being aware of what's happening around you, being aware of the people and what they're experiencing. Then there's the ears of empathy. And that's obviously being an active listener, listening to the people around you.

You cannot engage in empathy without being an active listener. I just don't see how that's how that's even possible. Then there's the heart of empathy, and that's really understand situation. Right.

Understanding the person and what they're going through.

You know, it's one thing to be aware of it and to listen to it, but if you don't cross that threshold of really understanding, you know, they're, they don't think you care. So there's both facts and there's feelings involved here.

Aaron: 00:10:04

Yeah.

Stephen Blandino: 00:10:05

And then there's the hands of empathy. And that's just the practical side of it, you know, caring for people.

And that may need to show up in a tangible way, a really compassionate, caring response. So anyway, those are kind of the angles I think about empathy through.

Aaron: 00:10:19

Yeah. For sure. So you mentioned active listening there and the role that that plays in empathy. But how, how does active listening, what is that?

It's a soft skill because you, you listed as one of the soft skills. How have you grown in this and how has it impacted your leadership? And how does active listening impact our leadership? You shared about with empathy.

Is there other areas that impacts our, our leadership?

Stephen Blandino: 00:10:42

Yeah. So, you know, I think when I think about active listening, I always think the, the image that comes to my mind is a cafeteria line, right?

When you go through a cafeteria line, you get to pick and choose in a cafeteria line what you're going to eat. So you'll say, I want some of that. I don't really want that. I'm going to take this, but not that.

And then we pile our tray up with whatever we want to eat and we leave behind everything else. A lot of people, that's how they listen. They listen cafeteria style. So they listen to this, but they don't listen to that.

They listen to this comment, but they ignore this comment.

And that's again where we have to move beyond the pick and choose and say, no, I'm going to engage in this, where I'm really listening to what is being said. Even, even the things that I don't, I'm not really enjoying hearing, but maybe I need to hear.

So, so active listening is saying, I'm not going to listen cafeteria style, but I'm going to truly engage in the listening process. And I know for me, Aaron, I've, A, this does not come natural, but B, I've had to like the two things that I try to do to engage in this.

One is to not, not be the one who's talking. And two, to make sure I'm asking questions if I'm not talking.

That means others have the opportunity to engage and to speak, which then forces me to be in a listening posture.

Now I still have to engage in actively listening, but that's, you know, you're not listening if you're the one doing all the talking and then asking curious questions that are going to help you identify what, what to dig deeper. Right. It's not just a surface level conversation, but you're, you're really digging deeper.

Aaron: 00:12:27

Stephen, how have you found, you know, a rut that I will fall into is someone's talking, I'm listening.

Maybe I've asked to ask them a question, but then I find myself thinking about my response is there as they're talking, I'm actively listening to them, but I'm also My mind's bifurcated, trifurcated. I don't know, it's, it's cut. Because I'm also thinking about my response.

How do you remain curious with the question you ask and not feel like you're also formulating your response at the same time? Or should, or should, or is it, it's a good thing to formulate your response at the same time. Thoughts on that?

Stephen Blandino: 00:13:01

Yeah, I mean, I think there's a part of it that, that's just going to happen.

I mean, I'm sure there's someone else out there that would tell me otherwise, but I'm like, I just think that's part of the rhythm of a conversation when you're talking with somebody because here's why they may say something that immediately you think, oh, I want to know more about that. So your mind immediately begins, you know, developing another question or.

And you know, because they've said something that has piqued your curiosity and you're like, oh, let's dig deeper there. So, so I think there's a part of that I'm not sure how you avoid it.

I'm sure there's someone out there that could give us a scientific answer, but it's not me. I just think there's, there's got to be, you know, the more curious the questions and the more deliberate they are.

I think you just go deeper with the conversation and it's good. It just creates a greater bond and.

Aaron: 00:13:51

It keeps, it keeps from long pauses because I, I think the challenge for me is I want the conversation to flow and if I am not thinking anyway, I'm justifying my, what I do, which is not good. So we'll move on.

Stephen Blandino: 00:14:01

But at the same time though, Aaron, you bring up a good point there.

And that is there's just some people it is much harder to have a conversation with because they just that they'll give answers to your questions and they're very, very, maybe they're very short. There's just not a lot of detail. And you do you feel like you're the one who's having to do all the work. So, so yeah, that, that's a reality.

And I'm not saying that's wrong from the other person's side.

It's just the reality that some people are much more like you can ask a question and they can really share a whole lot and others they may give you a, a six word answer and that's it. You're like, okay, what do I ask next?

Aaron: 00:14:46

Sure. And that's What I've learned from podcasting is counselors and those who work for the government, they give you short answers.

So counselors, I think, are used to other people talking and then people who work for the government. It's a very small window of what they're, they're going to talk about.

So it's, it ends up you, man, you can go through your list of 20 questions pretty quick. I think I can probably talk to a wall for, you know, 20 minutes. But man, is sometimes you got to have a long list of questions.

So, so we're talking about interpersonal communication. And you, you list six practices that you think are vital for, for having quality interpersonal communication. Once again, another soft skill.

Could you share why these, what, what are some reasons that you chose these six and their importance?

Stephen Blandino: 00:15:30

Yeah, as I just thought about this, I, I thought, okay, what is it that's, that's really essential in that interpersonal communication with somebody else? And, and so I'll just share these real quick because to me, this kind the crux of the matter, it's the bare bone basics. So one is authenticity.

Like, you just have to be real.

If you're fake or you're wearing a facade, you're not going to build trust in that interaction and you're certainly not going to establish a firm foundation for a long term relationship. So you got to be real, you got to be genuine, you got to be authentic. Two is dignity. That's being respectful.

You know, everybody wants to be treated with respect.

And so, you know, I think an important thing to keep in mind, and this is especially important with some of the divisiveness that we're encountering, encountering right now in culture. You got to keep in mind that the image of God is stamped on that person's life.

So when I don't show dignity toward them, I don't show respect toward them. When I devalue them, I'm simultaneously devaluing and becoming critical of the image of God on their life. So, so dignity is just again, foundational.

Number three is, is presence. And that's the idea of just being engaged, being present in the moment, being fully present.

You know, when you're distracted or disengaged, it sends a message to the other person that you really don't care that, that they don't matter, that you don't have time for them, that they're not important enough. So, so being present, being engaged. The fourth one is dialogue. There's obviously got to be a back and forth conversation.

And again, communication is two way so, you know, you're not just, you're not delivering a speech, right? Preachers, we like to preach. You're not preaching in a true relationship, in a conversation. So resisting that urge to over talk and working hard to.

I love how Jim Collins said at one time, you know, working hard to be, to be interested instead of interesting. A lot of people want to be interesting. That's true. Instead, we need to focus on being interested in the other person.

Number five, I'll just wrap these real quick.

Is clarity like being concise, not rambling on and on and, you know, being in this constant loop where people are like, when are they going to land the plane? And then number six, is grace, just being kind. You know, I know I've shared this before, but speaking the truth in the tone of grace.

So to me, again, these are just foundational to interpersonal communication. I think if you get those right, then granted that's a pretty big list right there.

But you go a long, long way in your interpersonal communication skills.

Aaron: 00:18:26

It's a, it's a good word and like you said, it builds a solid foundation and solid foundation. I think that we can continue to grow one throughout life.

And I find certain seasons, things that I'm going through, some of those are more challenging at other seasons and not. And so. But I do, yeah, it. That dignity and wanting to grow and understand people and listen is so valuable.

Stephen, you also talk about remaining disciplined in, in growing in these soft skills. How do we remain disciplined at the same not.

Not becoming rigid and block out the room for the Holy Spirit when it comes, when it comes to growing in.

Stephen Blandino: 00:19:05

These areas, you know, I think you've got to know what to be disciplined about and what to be flexible with.

And, you know, one of the examples I give in the article is that we need to be disciplined with the vision, but we need to be flexible with the vehicle. So again, this is an illustration I've heard Scott Wilson share a number of times.

And that is if, if I were going to come visit you in Africa, I, I might, I might. I've got to obviously take a vehicle to get there. So I might, I might board a bus, but the bus is gonna only go so far.

You know, it'll get me all the way to the east coast, but that's where it ends. It's not gonna, it's not gonna drive into the water. Sure. So then I have to change vehicles.

I've got to then either get on a boat or get on an airplane.

And then whenever I get to the airport or I, or I get to the, you know, coast of where I'm going, then I've got to get off that and I'm gonna then get into a car and I'm gonna maybe drive the rest of the way. So each leg of the trip requires a different vehicle that requires flexibility. But the destination, that's the vision. Right.

That, that's not changing. It just took three different forms of vehicles to get there. So that's where I'm gonna be disciplined with the vision.

This is what God has called us to do. This is the focus we have. But then I got to determine where, how do I need to be flexible with the vehicle that helps us get there and what, what.

Where we experience trouble is whenever the vehicle becomes the vision. Yeah, yeah. When we turn the vehicle into the vision.

And now we're married to a tool that cannot take us ultimately where we need to go because we're just so in love with the, the vehicle, we're not willing to make the trade.

Aaron: 00:20:58

What are some reasons, Stephen, you think we latch onto the vehicle rather than the vision? Does that, does that. Is that a fair question?

Stephen Blandino: 00:21:05

Yeah, yeah. You know, I think part of it is fear. Anytime you're having to. To get into a new vehicle, it's unfamiliar.

Aaron: 00:21:14

Yeah.

Stephen Blandino: 00:21:14

And you don't even know is it going to work? How far is it going to go? What is it going to produce the results that we want. And it's always easier to hold on to what we know.

And the crazy thing is that we can convince ourselves that the pain of what we know is better than the potential of what we don't know. Right.

Even though what we don't know may actually get us where we want to go and deliver the results we want, but instead we just hang on to what, what we're familiar with. So I think fear is a big, A big part of it. And then sometimes we just spiritualize that. Right.

You know, this is bless God the way it's supposed to be. And we, we turn methods into mandates, you know, as if Jesus said. Said them. And that's, that's not true.

I'm sure there's lots of different reasons, but those are a couple that come.

Aaron: 00:22:12

To mind for sure. As you were talking, it just. There was me thinking about a curiosity question as you were talking. So back to I. So I should have just been solid.

But as a podcast, though, sometimes you have to. You go off script of things when somebody says, that's good, that's good about. So you also talked about a soft Skill.

Being a collaborative team member. And what. What does it mean to be a collaborative team member? And could you just share more about that?

Stephen Blandino: 00:22:39

Yeah, there's some. Like, everybody's a part of some team for the most part, but just because you're part of a team doesn't mean you're a team player.

Aaron: 00:22:50

Okay.

Stephen Blandino: 00:22:50

Just because you're part of a team doesn't mean you're collaborative with that team. Sometimes we would rather push our agenda with the team than truly work together toward what's best for the.

For the organization or the church or the ministry or the whole team. And so I think being a collaborative team member, one, you've gotta. You have to value all the other team members. Yeah, You.

You also have to recognize the gifts that they have and the value they add to the team, because no matter how gifted you are as a team member, you don't have all the gifts. You don't have everything the team needs.

So you've got to affirm and validate those other gifts that team members bring to the table, and then you've got to work toward unity with one another. I mean, people are messy, and we are messy. Right. It's not just everybody else that's messy. We are messy.

So you can always tell the maturity of a team member by their willingness to protect the unity of the team without turning a blind eye to things that need to. Need to be addressed. You know what I'm saying? They've got the maturity to say, no, no, we're gonna. We're gonna protect the unity of this team.

It doesn't mean we're gonna excuse bad behavior or that we're gonna turn a blind eye when things need to be addressed or people need to be held accountable. But. But I've just discovered you have to fight for the unity of. Of a team to really move the ball forward.

So when we value one another, when we recognize the gifts that each other bring to the team, and then together, we're all working toward unity. Boy, you can collaborate a long.

Aaron: 00:24:37

No, And I think those are the. Those are the type of teams that we desire to be on. At the same time, it's.

I think what you highlighted for least for me in this teaching was the reality of my role in that. And sometimes I want to be on a collaborative team.

It's something out there, but really focusing on how I can be that person and how I can focus on how I contribute to that. Sure. I think it's vitally, vitally important.

Stephen Blandino: 00:25:05

We set the tone, don't we? Oh, we do. And, and that's the, you know, and sometimes our, we don't do the best with that, but, yeah, we're. We're the tone setters.

Aaron: 00:25:16

Yeah, for sure. So, problem solving, another one of the things you talk about is a soft skill, is problem solving. What are some biblical examples you.

You turn to when you think of problem solving? That kind of give us a foundation and a basis when it comes to, to this soft skill.

Stephen Blandino: 00:25:33

Yeah, I mean, I just, I always love the story of Nehemiah. I mean, I, I know I refer to it often, but there's so many valuable leadership skills there.

You know, Nehemiah hears about the, the condition of the wall in Jerusalem, how it's broken down and the wall, the gates are broken down and the people are basically in disgrace. And when he hears that, he's moved, right? There's just something in him that says, this cannot stay this way.

So he discovered the problem, but then he, he secured the resources to do something about the problem. You know, he went to King Artaxerxes and he requested the resources and he agreed and he left.

And then whenever he got to Jerusalem, he did his research. He didn't just start swinging hammers, he went out into the night and he scoped out things.

He inspected the city and discovered really the true condition of the city walls and the disrepair. And then, then after that, that's when he assembled his team. He cast the vision to the people that, hey, guys, this can be better.

It doesn't have to stay this way. And he said, hey, let's all, let's all join together and let's do this good work. And then, and then he mobilized the people.

He gave them all assignments, you know, where they're all working on different parts of the wall. And there were obviously distractions that came, you know, along the way, ridicule that came along the way.

But Nehemiah, that for him to solve problems, those are the things he did. You know, he discovered the problem, he secured the resources, he did his research, he. He assembled a team and then he mobilized that team.

And that one, one brick at a time, that wall was built.

Aaron: 00:27:17

Good word. And some great practical examples for all of us that we can, that we can put into place when it comes to problem solving.

Because I think as a leader, you know, solving problems is kind of inherent in the role and in managing you've mentioned on the podcast, try to figure out what is a problem to solve or attention to manage. And I think that that's also, as we look at that, vitally important.

Stephen Blandino: 00:27:43

Yeah.

Aaron: 00:27:43

So one of you know, one of the challenges, so we won't call it a problem, but the challenges in leadership, when it is, when it comes to conflict and moving forward in conflict, you list some valuable principles on moving forward in conflict. Could you share about those and how you've landed on these and how they'll help a leader and a team move forward when there's conflict?

Stephen Blandino: 00:28:05

Yeah, yeah. So I talk about four of them in the article, and the first one is facts, right? Ephesians 4:15. It says to speak the truth.

So, you know, you cannot resolve conflict by beating around the bush. It's only going to lead to a bigger conflict, a bigger issue. You're not really going to address the matter at hand, so you got to know the facts.

You gotta. You gotta clarify what those are without getting sucked into an emotional war.

And in the end, the root issue of the conflict never gets addressed if you only talk around the issue. So you gotta. You gotta address the facts, right? And we've all talked around the issue at times, but you gotta, you gotta start with the facts.

And then second. And this goes right along with it, you know, you gotta. You gotta speak in the right tone. Ephesians 4:15.

It says, Speak the truth, but then it has these other two words that attach to it. It says, speak the truth in love, right? That's the, that's the tone side. So truth and facts in the wrong tone does more damage than good.

And again, I mentioned this just a moment ago. You got to speak the truth in the tone of grace. And you know Proverbs 15:1, a gentle answer turns away wrath, but harsh words stir up anger.

So when you're resolving conflict, here's what happens. One of the reasons we don't resolve conflict is because the tone in which we try to resolve it, that only makes matters worse.

So you've got to have the facts, but then you've also got to combine that with the right tone. The third thing, and we talked about it a moment ago, was listening. Stephen Covey says, you know, we've all heard this.

Seek first to understand, then to be understood. Well, sometimes we, we take that statement and we make a small little twist to it.

And instead of seek first to understand, then to be understood, we seek first to speak. So then they will understand, right? So that doesn't play out well. And.

But again, Proverbs: 18:13

So if we're going to resolve conflict, we've got to take the time to listen to fully understand the situation, you're just not going to understand the other side, the other perspective. If you're not listening, well, well, and then the last thing you know is just timing.

Conflict is emotional and if you're mad, if you're really angry, that's probably not the right time to try to resolve the conflict. You've got to cool down enough not to make the, the situation worse.

Proverbs: 29:11

Well, calm's only going to come when the leader cools off enough to do the other three things right, deliver the facts, talk in the right tone and to listen well. So there's other things obviously to conflict resolution, but to me, if you don't have those four, you're not going anywhere.

So those are pretty essential.

Aaron: 00:31:19

They're very valuable.

Stephen, how have you found that you've been able to not go in the timing, not a, to be in the right tone and the right mood or the right place to have a conversation and rather than not just not having it and then never having it. Does that make sense?

Stephen Blandino: 00:31:37

Yeah. Yeah. So we tend to deal with conflict in one of two extremes. At one extreme, we deal with conflict when it's easy to resolve. Right?

I mean, hey, oh yeah, that's no problem. That's a quick conversation, we're done. The other extreme is when it's turned into a full blown crisis and you can't ignore it any longer.

It's when crisis falls somewhere in the middle. It's not easy to resolve, but it hasn't yet turned into a crisis. That's when we tend to ignore it or delay our response to it.

So it may be that you just have to give yourself a, a deadline. Give yourself, I will resolve this. I will address this no later than Tuesday at noon. You know what I'm saying?

It may be that before you, that your timing is determined first by getting a little more information before you jump right into it. It may be just sleeping on it for a day can be a game changer. Just, hey, I'm gonna just, I'm gonna go to bed.

I will deal with this tomorrow because here's the thing.

When you deal with conflict, when you're tired, I guar you've just taken a hit against the likelihood of success because you're just, you're agitated, you want it to be done quickly, so you tend to rush through it. You don't listen. Your agitation comes through in your tone. And so, so just sleeping on it for a day can be huge.

Now, at the same time, like you said, you do have to address it. You can't let it go forever or it's. That'll backfire on you as well.

And here's the thing, if you don't address it, there's a good chance other people are going to start talking.

Like if somebody has done something and, and you haven't addressed it, they're going to start talking to other people like, well, he didn't even, he didn't even call me. He didn't even talk to me. He didn't even. And, and now you've got a bigger conflict, a bigger situation.

That's that other people have gotten sucked into it. So you may have to impose a deadline on yourself. You may just need to sleep on it for a day.

You may need to just get away for an hour to think and reflect. How am I going to approach this and pray through it? Pray through it. Ask God for wisdom. Ask him like, how do I need to approach this?

What does my posture need to be in this? Here's an important question to ask. What part did I have in creating this conflict?

If you just take some time to ask yourself those types of questions, it's going to help you kind of get a little bit of a game plan together of, of how to approach it. Sometimes the timing issue is impacted by the preparation.

So, so you, again, you may just need to do a little bit of preparation before you jump into it. Just don't make that preparation a month long. Right. Get to get to it or it just, it doesn't go away by itself for sure.

Aaron: 00:34:41

Stephen, one of the other soft skills you list is about being recording the way you learn and share. They'd be not only learning and then, but how do you share that with the people you're leading and you're serving?

So what, what system have you found to. To gather what you're learning and then be able to share it with others that you're serving?

Stephen Blandino: 00:35:02

Yeah, I think I may have shared this before, Aaron, that, you know, I've got a system for when I'm reading where I highlight, you know, books and stuff and anything I underline, that is a quote, I will write in the margin what that quote's about. If it's a quote about leadership, I'll write the word leadership in the margin. If it's a quote about teamwork, I'll write the word teamwork.

And any story I come across or really good piece of content that's like, this is super, super good. I'll just draw a line down the margin from the start of that content or the start of that story to the end of it.

Even if it goes over a page or two or three. I mean, I just keep drawing that line down that margin, and at the top of it, I'll write what that needs to be fil.

And then I give the book to my assistant. She takes it, and all the quotes get typed into a bunch of files online. And this is a really old system.

I know there are much better methods to do this, but I started it over 20 years ago, and I just don't want to change it. Right. I've got a system that's working. So, you know, if I was doing it over today, I'd use some techn. Some technology.

I've got a friend that does it with Evernote, and he said, man, it's so much better. I'm like, I'm sure it is. Friendly friend. But I've been doing the system for 20 years, and it's working. And to. To.

To do it all digitally now would be a nightmare. So anyway, the quotes are digital, but the. The stories, I mean, they. She'll literally photocopy them, stick them in a file.

And so anytime I want to gather information on that topic, there's a file on it with stuff that I read that I've completely forgotten about. There's. And that's. That's valuable in writing, it's valuable in communicating. So that. That's kind of my. My system.

You've got to have sources for learning and a system for recording. The sources for learning may be books, they may be articles, they may be podcasts, whatever. But then you.

You need the system to capture that and where you can access it pretty quickly.

Aaron: 00:37:05

Good word. I think I've failed on the. The. I've done a lot of listening, a lot of reading, but the system to capture I think, is the. Is the. One more.

One more question for you, Stephen, before I ask you to pray for us. How have you stayed resilient in ministry? And what are. What are some ingredients that you found to. For that remaining resilient in ministry?

Stephen Blandino: 00:37:27

Yeah, it's a good question, Aaron. I think a really. A really important part of resiliency is perspective. It's how you see what you're going through that matters.

If I look at the things that I'm going through, especially if they're painful, they're hard, they seem unjust, unfair, betrayal, like, whatever it is that you're going through, if you don't have the right set of lenses through which to see that you could very quickly bail on what God wants to do in you and through you in that situation.

So I just think resiliency, it is just imperative that our perspective is right and without it, something will come along that will try to take you out. Or you'll just say, I did not sign up for this. I quit, I'm done.

And the, the problem is this, is that if I quit, then I am also quitting on everything God wants to do in the future of that, that ministry through me. I'm not saying God's done with that ministry.

I'm just saying if I'm, if I quit, I'm saying I'm also quitting on the future that God may want to do something. Now that doesn't mean there aren't times that you do transition, because obviously there are. We all have.

But if out of emotion, if out of the pain of the moment, we say I'm done and we lose perspective because the pain is so up close and personal, we're not just quitting the pain, we're quitting the opportunity on the other side of that pain. We're not just quitting the hardship, we're also quitting the victory that may be on the other side of that pain.

We're not just quitting the, hey, this sucks right now. We're also quitting on something that God wants to do that we just can't see yet. Okay?

Now not only that, but we're also quitting on maybe the work that God wants to do inside of us. And the only way he can do it is through hardship and trial and pass pain. I'm not saying all the hardship, trial and pain come from God.

I'm simply saying God doesn't waste them either.

Aaron: 00:39:35

So good work.

Stephen Blandino: 00:39:36

I think that's, that's, that's huge. And then the other thing is, you know, relationships, friends, a counselor, you know, all of that kind of stuff.

You know, I'm reminded, and I know this, this story has been told a lot, but you know, I'm reminded of, of Tolkien. You know, he wrote the novel the Hobbit. It, and the book was so successful that his publisher asked him to write a sequel.

And when he started writing the sequel, he just completely hit a wall every time he sat down to write.

And, and he, he came to the point where he started to refer to it, to this experience as a labor of delight that turned into or transformed into a nightmare. And, and, and, and in that moment, Tolkien could have thrown in the towel. And I'm sure he felt like doing just that. But.

But he embraced a practice that I think became critical for his success, and that is that he met weekly with a small group of friends, and those friends encouraged him. And one of those friends was C.S. lewis. And after he published his sequel, Tolkien said this about C.S. lewis. He said, I'm going to read it to you.

He said, the unpayable debt that I owe to him was not influence as it is ordinarily understood, but sheer encouragement. He was for long, my only audience. Only from him did I ever get the idea that my stuff could be more than a private hobby.

But for his interest and unceasing eagerness for more, I should never have brought the L of the R to a conclusion. And the L of the R, obviously was the Lord of the Rings, which has sold more than 150 million copies since then, then.

So, you know, he had that small group of friends where he found encouragement to keep going.

And I think in ministry you've got to have the right perspective, but you also got to have friends that you're in ministry with, that, that, that you, you, you meet with, that you talk with. And when I say in ministry with, I don't mean they're necessarily people on your team.

You've got to have people that you can just talk to and share your frustrations and your, the things you're going through. People that'll listen, that are not impressed with your title, but they love you, they care about you.

Aaron: 00:41:59

Good word. Stephen, you pray for us today?

Stephen Blandino: 00:42:02

Yeah, absolutely. God, thank you for these leaders who are listening right now.

Thank you, God, for their lives, for the work you're doing in and through them and the ministry you've called them to. I just ask God that you'd help all of us to develop the soft skills of leadership.

These are the parts of leadership that are so easy to overlook and so easy to get so busy that we don't pay attention to people, that we don't listen, that we're not empathetic, that, that we just kind of get pulled into our tunnel and realize it's, it's all about people. Help us, God. We need your help. We need your strength.

I pray for these leaders, God, that you'd help them to be resilient, that God, you'd help them to finish well. You give them friends and encouragement, and I thank you for each one. In Jesus name name. Amen.

Aaron: 00:42:51

Amen.